How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
