I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
