I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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