Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
