i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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