Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
