I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
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I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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