I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
