In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
