I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
