Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize