I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
