the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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