Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
