I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
