You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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