The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
