Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
