five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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