i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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