I think I won the penis lottery.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
