the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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