Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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