I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
