if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
