When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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