No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
