So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
