My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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