I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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