this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
