My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
