i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
