he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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