sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
