I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
