Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
