Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
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