I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
