Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
