Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
