Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
