I wish my penis had an off switch
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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