I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.