I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
