just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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