Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If I die, sorry about rent.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
