Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
