Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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