i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
