I just pynch a tree in the face
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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