my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
