im drinking this country out of the recession.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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