I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
