Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish I only lived at night.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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