so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
