How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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