Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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