I wannas sexs uuuuu
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
