cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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