I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
