When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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