I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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