I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
